Wednesday, December 10, 2008

over a year already??

wow, the last time i logged on and blogged was nearly 13 months ago....time sure flys. it was kinda funny to go back and read my previous blogs....the blog before this one about time changing everything was especially interesting.....time does change everything.

i feel like God keeps putting me on this rollercoaster in which He calls life. or a merry-go- round perhaps? maybe the latter is more like it. tonight-i'm not really sure what i feel. probably numb could sum it all up. time, indeed change everything. i look back at the last 6 months and feel extremely blessed, yet at the same time...i feel like i'm right back where i was 2 years ago regarding some parts of my life. bleh.

so much is going on. we still have christmas to get through...listen to me, i sound like the grinch. i shouldn't have to say 'get through'. it should be a joyous time of year. every year i become more and more frustrated with how commercialized this holiday season has become. it takes some of the greatness out of it, ya know? anyway, i'm trying to focus on the real reason for the season...

aside from christmas is the move to Boise. geez, we still have alot to do. lots of packing especially. plus, i'm not looking forward to leaving my job. its going to kill me. i'll probably cry for weeks if i'm honest. i hate crying. for some reason i think the next 3 weeks will involve lots of crying. i have to leave one of my best friends (my sister in law)...i'm so not looking forward to that. i hate knowing a seven hour drive separates us....once again, i'll prolly cry lots. i'm not looking forward to leaving my in laws. or my apartment. or this city. i don't want to have to search for another job while our country is in this recession...its not gonna be fun.

all that said, i need to try to focus on the good of this move. i'll be starting classes again at a university..yay. yet i feel like i'm in 1st grade again...terrified at the thought of being part of a huge campus where i know no one. but hey...i'll learn fast, right?

we get a new apartment to decorate. i'm looking forward to putting up pictures. :)

plus, its a new adventure with my best friend. i pray god draws us closer to each other and Him.

i'll end this post i'm just rambling. i pray i cherish the next 3 weeks. and cry if i need to. in fact, after writing this, i'd like to cry. lol

Sunday, November 11, 2007

lazy days

so this weekend has been a lazy one, i'll admit. i usually hate staying home all the time...i'm the girl always on the go....this weekend was much different. slowing life down for a bit gave me time to reflect...time to pray...time to wonder.

ya know the old saying, time changes everthing? well, thats the one thing we can always count on to change everything, i believe it. i've been looking back on the last year and how much my life has changed. its changed for the better in almost everyway. a year ago, i had a stressful job, a family i never talked to because of conflict, a brother that didn't want anything to do with me, an ended relationship with a jerk, etc........

so much has changed. i'm so very blessed. i'm blessed to be able to serve an HUGE God. I'm so very privileged to live in a country where i'm able to exercise that religious freedom. I have an amazing job with awesome boss'. My family has slowly been 'put back together' and our relationship is 100 times better now than it was a year ago or better than its ever been really. My little brother actually looks up to me again, i love that feeling. He enjoys spending time with me and that makes me happy. I'm extremely blessed to have an amazing boyfriend in my life right now that loves God with all his heart and is constantly trying to have God be the center of our relationship. (so much different than any other relationship i've experienced)

I'm happy, very happy. i think happiness is something you must sometimes pursue. You must look for those little things in life that make you happy. You can't buy happiness. I believe happiness is different from joy. Happiness is something some people never get the chance or rarely get the chance to experience. I have no idea why i started on the subject of happiness.....but i am happy. i'm content. i'm blessed. i'm looking forward to the coming days.

I believe someone once said, "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be" Sometimes, its a choice. We must find the silver lining from those dark clouds......"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times" i'm trying to be a more optimistic person (for those that know me, i'm far from optimistic when it come to my own life.) i try taking a few seconds each day to find something thats happy or makes me helps.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

that little box

the last week has held so much. so much i never thought would actually happen. so much i'm happy for. so much more unknown future. so much more to look forward to. fear. what is fear? it can be an emotion which is aroused by pain, danger, or evil. it can be real or imagined.

this week started off like any other week. regular routine and such. little did i know how much fear had ahold of me. Christ tells us not to fear. much easier said than done. i'm often afraid of making mistakes or making the wrong decisions or having plans that turn into disasters. i'm finding out i'm especially afraid of the unknown. (notice my previous post, i'm kinda seeing a pattern here. lol) why live life in fear? what does it accomplish? i started asking myself these things. living in fear only creates a box in which you confine yourself in and never let yourself out. you find comfort in that little box. you make it your home. little do you realize, that little box eventually has you by a death grip. you try to get out of it, but it takes too much effort. too many negative thoughts run through your head while you try to escape the comfort zone of your box. whats wrong with staying comfy, right?

i believe God intended for us to step out of those little boxes. He challenges us to do so everyday. He asks things of us we think are crazy. God, you want me to do what? are you kidding me? and yes, sometimes, He asks us to stay inside that little box and grow closer to Him. it gives us time to grow and seek His face. yet, we can still grow and seek His face when He calls us outside that little box. i believe it makes things more challenging. after all, we have to still seek Him while exploring the things outside the box. this week, i believe He asked me to step outside my little box...the one i was so comfortable in. the one i vowed i wouldn't get out if til i moved to boise. haha, man, i'm sure He is laughing right now. i'm just so darn stubborn and yet, even He has ways of making me move. i find when i ask myself questions, thats when He speaks. He tends to get his words in as my answers to my questions. its a rather interesting process to be honest. anyway, now i'm just rambling in this post. bottom line. sometimes we have to take steps in fear to get out of that box thats holding us because of the fear we have. so in a sense, it takes fear to get out of fear in some cases. make sense?

life is an adventure. i dont want to look back one day and regret the fact that i stayed in my little box because i was afraid. i pray He gives me the guidance and strength to get through the next days, weeks and years. He will. He is faithful. all the time.

Fear is a little dark room, where negatives are developed.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

stand still

so my life currently seems as if time is at a standstill. i'm not sure if this is good or bad. so much is going on, so much is changing, so much is going to change. i'm just waiting for it to take off and then i'll be wishing time would slow down. the last month has been a challenge, thats for sure. i absolutely HATE thinking about the changes ahead. i don't like change. i like things and life to remain consistent. i love adventures, but i like knowing i can come back from the, with my normal life being intact and the same. i'm anxious to see what the next six months has to hold, yet, i think its going to hold so much more than i thought possible. i think God is leading me in a totally opposite direction that i had originally planned. that just goes to show ya, don't tell Him how you are going to do things. :) i'm learning, maybe one day i'll catch on. :P meanwhile, i'm sure He'll just keep chuckling as i try to run the show. the weekend is almost over, which means another full week at work. oh how i love my job. i don't want to leave it. i love working for people that have the same love i do for the God we serve. it makes things so much easier.

i'll leave you with this:

"Never be afraid to leave an unknown future to an known God" ~Corrie Ten Boom

(that lady had lots of wisdom, what a life she led!!!)

Sunday, September 2, 2007

amazing grace

we live in world today where everything we have is earned. we grow up thinking that in order to get something, we must work for it. if we want money, we must work. if we want love, we must work. if we want fame, work is involved there too. if we want to become something in this world, by today's standards, we must somehow achieve it by works. without works, we have nothing to achieve, or so it seems in today's society. we do works to feel accepted or good about ourselves, it gives us a sense of belonging. without this sense of accomplishment, we sometimes feel lost. i find it amazing how people LOVE free things. i know that i always am excited to receive something free, to know that its been given to me. i mean, whats better than winning a prize you didn't have to work for?? aren't buy one get one free deals great? obviously, we as people, think something of free things, otherwise, there would be no such thing as free. i'm amazed to know that some people refuse to accept the greatest free gift of all, grace. what is grace? grace can be defined as a favor, pardon or mercy. grace is God's free gift to all people. He pardons us from all sins. He came to this world to forgive us for every sin we would commit while here. its His free gift to us. it seems totally unnatural by today's standards to accept something such as this grace of God. as earlier stated, we are taught we must work for things. so if this feeling of grace and pardon is so hard to accept, maybe it really is because of the way we are taught. its so simple, yet takes so much humility to accept, to finally realize that there is nothing i can do to save myself. i must put down my pride and let Him have everything. if we never accept this grace He so freely gives, its almost as if we are imprisoned. we are constantly trying to achieve perfection or acceptance. if we can't achieve those things in which we are pursuing, then we become frustrated. its like constantly carrying a burden on your back. let me tell you, if you try to carry a heavy burden for long, it gets quite wearisome. He is there to carry all our burdens. We may not seem worthy of this at all. Again, its a very surreal experience to truly let His grace rule your life. its something that gives me hope and happiness every day. i do think that sometimes i take this grace for granted. to know that He loves unconditionally is amazing. today people think we must work to be loved by everyone. its hard nowadays to find people that love you for who and what you are. Christ loves us regardless of who or what we are. isn't that mind boggling? He can take away all the frustrations, if you just give your life to Him. if you just set down your pride and admit you can't do it on your own. doing works, in the case of grace, well, its not going to get you far. you can try to help God, but He doesn't ask for or need your help. i was thinking about the song He has the whole world in His Hands the other day. most of us grew up singing this song. think about the words, they speak truth. who knew such a great and almighty One could exist? if He has everything under control, don't you think He can work out the most detailed events in your life? He can bring you hope and happiness. (we as Americans search for happiness in all the wrong places.) He can carry your burdens and help you conquer obstacles. Only He can though, we are nothing. i'm encouraged by this. to think that Gods grace is sufficient enough for all my needs. I just have to let down my pride so He can work. i wish some people would choose to be freed from this every discouraging thing known as works. He loves and accepts us, regardless of works. (again, totally unnatural) works can be like a ball and chain we are constantly lugging around.

my chains are gone, i've been set free
my God, my Savior has ransomed me
and like a flood, His mercy reigns
unending love, amazing grace.

if we focus on the fact that His love is unending and is grace is amazing, we see how truly worthless in this world we are. we NEED Him and His saving grace.
ok, i think i've rambled enough for now. :P

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

astounding example

i nanny for three children, all under the age of six. these little human beings are gradually being molded into adults, a process that takes years....many many years for some. they, whether i realize it or not, rely on me for practically everything. i'm there to take care of them and provide for them in many different ways. it hit me this morning. i've been their nanny for only 4 months...such a short time..yet in this short time...we have bonded. they have come to love and trust me. they are so innocent and sweet. every morning now, they wake the buttcrack of dawn i might usually by 7am and the girls always come cuddle on the couch with me. do you know how nice it is to be greeted by two little adorable girls that are thrilled to see me every morning? its an amazing feeling. anyway......these little people put all their trust in me. i cook for them, clean for them, take care of their battle wounds they get while playing around, i am emotional support when they need it. regardless of what i'm doing for them...they ALWAYS run to ME! (at least while they are in my care...away from mom and dad) they look forward to telling me all about the fun stuff they did the night before, or the trip they took down the stairs and how they got the nice greenish brown bruise they have on their shin, or how something is sooo exciting they can hardly contain themselves, they come when hurt or sad, they share just about anything with me (and let me tell ya, it can be sooo random...but the cutest thing ever), they argue with me, they laugh with me or at me, etc. botton line of all that rambing...they come to me for EVERYTHING! good, bad, happy, name it...its all of it. ok why am i saying all of this? its because today....they were such an example to me for some reason. we, as mature, adult Christians, are to run to Him for EVERYTHING! He is supposed to be that comforter and provider of all our needs. and yah, i know, i know....this is not an earth shattering blogging post...but it was a good reminder for me. sometimes..i know i run to friends or family or myself....thinking i or they can fix things. they can't. only He can. He needs to be my comforter and provider and friend. I need to be that childlike person that takes it all to Him. He tells us to be like children and well, thats the way i need to strive to be. He is there when we are lonely...all the time. He won't ever leave us, ever. isn't that cool? He is better than any friend we will ever have. anyway, thats what i pondered on today. :)

Monday, August 27, 2007

the start of something new

so....i have decided to start a blog. this blog will hopefully keep account of my daily life and thoughts. i hope it can be entertaining yet enlightening at the same time. i'm honestly not sure where to start or what to say. sometimes it seems i think so fast that i can't possibly type it all fast enough or even say it fast enough to get it all out. ;) too bad i don't get paid by how many words i think per hour or minute or second. :) anyway, you'll soon find out i'm going to be extremely random while blogging..but oh well, thats me. ok...well, i'll post more stuff soon. :)